If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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