She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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