even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the day after is always just damage control
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
