You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
