Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
