Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
