I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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