How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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