a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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