who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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