I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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