Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
