I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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