apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
