My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
