I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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