i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
