Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
