My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
