I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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