Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
