see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize