Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
