the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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