So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
