Your face is a jimmy john
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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