I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
