he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
