10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
