We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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