The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
