I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
