My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize