I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
