Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
