I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
