Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
