Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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