Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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