He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
