dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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