Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
