the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
