Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
