Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
