Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
