he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The air was thick with penises
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
