You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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