I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
