yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
