big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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