she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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