You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize