Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's blow job season.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
