On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
