I haven't been this sober since birth.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
