Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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