I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
