Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
