I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have feelings that need drinking.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
